‘Upacara’ means wedding here in Bali

Bali is all about tradition, religion and ceremony.

For a Balinese person as well as important annual and family ceremonies there are a set of ‘life ceremonies’. The biggest one being marriage.

When a Balinese person gets married (called pawiwahan or nganten ) it must be done the ‘proper way’ which means in front of the whole village. If a man is living in his own place it will be at his house, if not at the home of his parents, the new wife moving in immediately.

Since I have lived in Bali I have known several young Balinese who have suddenly gotten married and soon after announce they are pregnant. This might seem a stigma in the west but here in Bali its all good. It simply means the girl is capable of having kids and that she and her husband will be locked into the Balinese family cycle of making kids and attending ceremonies. The family are actually happy about it.

The lowest thing in Balinese society is a ‘janda’ which is an unmarried mother. There are times when a person or a groups of people are ‘ritually unclean’ or ’sebel’. For example after a married woman gives birth she is sebel and cannot visit the temple. A janda is unclean and cannot attend any big ceremonies therefore cutting her off from a large part of her culture. A Balinese man will likely not want a janda for a wife and so its bad news all round. I knew one girl who was a janda and her solution was to marry a foreigner for the intention of being ‘married’, him living in another country altogether.

For a westerner finding himself in the situation of having a pregnant Balinese partner there are 3 options. Marriage, fleeing the island for good, or await the anger of her male relatives. Its a big deal.

Not all young Balinese people can afford the elaborate preparations that an ‘upacara’ (wedding) requires and take a back door approach which mirrors the old English tactic of running off to Scotland and getting hitched. The great thing about this is the degree of pretense it requires. An elopement ( ngerorod or malaib) pretends to be a kidnapping. “Where’s Made this evening?” a mother might ask. “Wayan has kidnapped her?” might be the response. The girls parents pretend to be outraged and insist the man must marry their daughter. The ‘kidnapping’ doesn’t last longer than a day or 2 and when the couple arrive back at his parent’s house a small wedding ceremony called a ‘makala-kalaan’ is performed without the girls parents who are pretending to still be outraged.

Three days later another ceremony called a ‘ketipat bantal’ is performed with both sides attending. Every body eats and is happy again. The funny thing about all this is everyone wants the same thing, for the couple to marry and have kids and everyone knows how things will plays out. They go this long route, everyone playing a part so that no one’s honor will be lost. I flippantly asked why they don’t just say “Okay we want to get married but don’t have the cash, instead of all the pretending lets have a feast here and save the time, maybe afterwards go catch a flick?” Of course that’s not the Balinese way.

One thing that crossed my mind is do the Balinese regard gay people as ritually unfulfilled for not getting married. I don’t know the answer but do know that some of the high priests are gay because they are supposed to be able to communicate with the male and female Gods.