Visiting Mike and family in Sanur Bali

Friday morning was bright and sunny and I rode down to the British consulate in Sanur which is located at Jl. Tirta Nadi # 20A.

As many people know the consulate used to be inside the Cat & Fiddle pub but the threat of terrorism has meant moving to a more secure location.

My purpose was to get a document stating I am still single of my upcoming marriage. Arriving at the address the guard told me it was closed but nothing else. I later found out the reason why, a bomb threat to the British embassy in Jakarta, which I supposed had been relayed to Bali.

As I prepared to leave a Balinese cremation procession passed by, oblivious to the closure.

While in Sanur I stopped off at my buddy Mike Hillis s shop on Jl. Danau Poso #55, opposite the Bali Scuba Diving place. Mike used to own a shop by the same name in Grass Valley California selling furniture and ornaments and he has got the same thing going on here.

When I arrived Mikes wife Priska, daughters and in-laws from Java were around. Mike was out getting some nasi campur for Priska. The reason for my visit apart from figuring out where the shop is was to talk to Mikes in-laws about my up coming wedding. After returning from Java I was slightly nervous at the high costs people were talking about and wanted some clarification. The way things were phrased it seemed I would be footing the bill for everything including the reception, things being arranged by Ikas mother. In Java it is very common that when someone has a wedding reception and invites 50, maybe 300 will show up out of curiosity and expect to be fed. Palus wife Wiwin had 1,000 people show up at her first wedding.

Getting myself into this blank check writing scenario where I am responsible for everything made me uncomfortable and I wanted to check on the actual costs which will be: ceremony to say I am a muslim, 50 people coming over to pray the night before the wedding, muslim ceremony, wedding certificate, Javanese ceremony, make-up, traditional clothes, reception. I had been told I was expected to pay a doury to the family which would be used to cover costs, but this in fact is not true exactly. The amount given is symbolic and can as little as 100rp. Traditionally the girls family in Java pays for the wedding. A mans family can if they choose to make a donation to help with the wedding called a tukon which I wanted to do.

Mikes mother and father in-law as well as Priska were telling me to let my future in-laws know that I was aware of these things and of how much everything should cost. They reckoned we could get a decent wedding for 5m rp. Ikas mum recently relayed a figure of 15m rp (its coming down all the time) and I decided to donate 10m rp, meaning everyone will be happy and Ikas mum can make a bit of juice on the thing. Ika told me her mum is booking a decent hotel and getting it catered. For me to get everything taken care off and arranged by someone else, considering I am only doing it once is an okay deal for me.

We all talked about the situations that can develop in a mixed marriage and how some of the problems can be avoided. I think it comes down to peoples perceptions and expectations. A person from Java looks on a bule (westerner) as rich and it is hard to shake that perception. Most people in Indonesia either live on the land or are 1 generation from living on the land. When a girl gets married she moves in with the boys family, sometimes in a village very far away. In Bali she must then pray and give offerings at his family temple to his ancestors. An expression they use over here is I belong to them now. When a wedding happens chickens must be provided and killed, pigs too, maybe water buffalos will be given and put to work immediately. I am seen as a big white money cow that needs to be milked because in a sense, I belong to them too.

My friend Palu offered some advice. He had married Wiwin last year and had done things like buying a new mini-van for her family in Java. A week later one of the brothers took off to Jakarta with it. Palu advised me not to get into another blank check writing scenario of having relatives call up asking for money, which will happen. Instead he suggested, I make a small payment to mum and dad every month, with the clear understanding that is all I have to offer.

I told Ika that I will be giving them 500,000rp on the first of every month and that is all I have to offer. I think this is the most healthy way to go. Their daughter will marry someone they perceive as wealthy and they will immediately be benefiting. Mikes in-laws told me 500,000rp is very generous, so that figure is not negotiable. I hope that down the track my contribution will help their family in its goals and create a routine, avoiding any uncomfortable calls for cash. I am good at refusing people after bring in Bali for 2 years so have no doubts about my ability to say no. I think my new in-laws will respect me down the track for this after they see I keep my word and am not afraid to be steadfast.

The wedding will happen on Jan 26th and I will offer more advice for people planning to follow my path. In Indonesia if you ask questions and show you are not a push over you will get a better deal and the people actually respect you more for not being a wimp.

Mikes shop Bali Sierra is located at :
Jl. Danau Poso #55
Sanur

Balisierra@yahoo.com
(0361) 270779

Tags: Bali Daily